


Hold Onto Me

by darylsnegan



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: AU, Alexandria Safe-Zone, Alternate Universe, Apocalypse, F/M, JDM, Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Freeform, Light Smut, Negan - Freeform, One Shot, TWD AU, The Sanctuary, life with negan, negan's wife, the walking dead - Freeform, twd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8625817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darylsnegan/pseuds/darylsnegan
Summary: In very rare times does Negan let his guard down enough to get close to people, but the times he does, his life changes just that much more.





	

The first time Negan held his wife in his arms, he thought it was also the last.

Of course at that time she was just another passer-by in the sanctuary, and Negan never made anyone stay if they didn't want to. It didn't matter that he wanted her to stay, he couldn't tell her that. He couldn't let his guard down. Not again.

He wouldn't admit it, but he had grown to care for her in ways he couldn't explain. She didn't want to be one of his wives, she didn't want to share him, and she didn't wish harm on him like his other wives who were only his wives to reap the benefits and put in none of the hard work that everyone else did.

He didn't understand how she was still so compassionate towards him when all he did in retaliation was lash out at her and push her away. He also didn't understand why he had let her walk out of those gates so easily.

The second time Negan held his wife in his arms, she was nearly dying.

After she left the sanctuary, she got caught up with another group. They cared for her for a few months, but when Negan saw her during his trip to Alexandria, he brought her back to the sanctuary without much of a fight on her side.

She was set up in the infirmary for a week and apparently the time Negan spent carrying her back to his truck and the drive home was enough to get him sick as well because he was the company in the bed across from hers for the remainder of said week.

He didn't want to admit it, but the way her lashes fluttered when she got tired and the way her smile could light up even the darkest situation were things he found endearing about her. He tried not noticing these things before; he forced himself not to notice, but it was hard when she was right in front of his face.

The first time Negan kissed his wife, he blamed it on the fever.

They were having one of their conversations to make the passing time more bearable and before he knew it, she was joining him on his bed. He could see the want in her eyes that she tried so hard to fight off during all those months of his cruelty. He could see how desperately she tried not to need him; he was trying just as hard to hide his own desires.

Negan's no kissing policy became void the moment he had a taste of her. The tenderness of her lips against his was like nothing he'd felt since his first wife had passed. He felt needed, and cared for; something he wouldn't let just anyone make him feel. Something he didn't feel deserving of.

Her lips brushed over his as her hands rested on either side of his blanket-covered body on the bed in the infirmary. His large hand pushed her hair back and caressed her cheek as their kiss came to a slow stop. Negan was a man who got what he wanted, but he wouldn't let it go any further than this, even though he wanted it to. As despicable as Negan was, he was a man of boundaries and consent.

The first time Negan took his wife out on a run, he let his guard down.

She worked in the garden. She loved the way the vines would sprout new vegetables that she could bring to the cooks for meals of all sorts, but they were running low on seeds and such.

Negan pleasantly remembered watching her face light up like a kid in a candy shop when she saw the variety of seeds to choose from. She went with the normal things that they always got, but grabbed a few new seeds for the thrill of watching them thrive. He didn't understand how little things such as gardening supplies could make a woman smile like that, but then again he didn't understand her either.

Their run took longer than expected, causing them to stop at a safe house overnight. Negan never took chances when it came to his or his people's safety.

Since the kiss, she had a glimmer of hope that they'd wind up together. She longed for the side of him that only she had the pleasure of knowing. He was gentle with her, he was soft spoken and rarely did he try to purposely upset her anymore.

He didn't remember the gist of it all, but he had said something in regards that this wasn't a honeymoon trip or a first date. It was business, but even he didn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

The first time Negan watched his wife cry, it was because of him.

He had spouted off about not wanting her. That he wasn't the boyfriend type, that he wasn't her night in shining ... whatever. He was the big bad wolf and that was the way he'd always be.

"You don't understand your worth, do you?" He remembered her saying. "You just don't get it. You push me away, that's fine. You belittle me, okay, but don't sit there and treat me like everyone else when I'm the only one who prays to god every night that you return home safe."

He watched tears trickle down her cheeks, his mouth agape from what she had told him. He knew everyone in the sanctuary hated him. It wasn't his job to be liked, it was his job to keep him and his people safe. He knew some of his wives wished him dead, but here was a woman - a kind, tender, wholesome woman - telling him that not only did she care about him, but she prayed that he returned home safely at night, even if it wasn't to her.

He didn't know why he did what he did other than the pure desire to want to. He turned her face back towards his, and this time, he was the one to initiate the kiss. The familiarity of her tender lips against his own felt like home to him. Her hands combing through his hair was the most delightful sensation he'd felt in years. The soft panting of her labored breath mixed with the faint pleading of his name on her lips was enough for him to crack.

The first time Negan had sex with his wife, everything fell into place.

Clothes were tossed in every which way while limbs were tangling and fighting for dominance of the other. In the end, Negan won of course, pinning her arms above her head with an achieved grin curling on his rough lips.

Her fingers intertwined with his as he slid inside of her, white-knuckling her grip on him as she adjusted and moved with his pace. She imagined that he would be more rough, but his dominance wasn't what he cared about at this point in time. He wanted her to feel just how much she was needed.

They came together, profanities filling the air on his end, while quiet pants and moans filled hers. After their breathing had returned to the normal rate, Negan wrapped his arms around her slender waist and held her from behind as they slowly fell asleep. He knew everything would change after this if it hadn't already.

The first time Negan almost lost his wife was the worst.

After their night at the safe house, things were good between them. He had sent his wives back to their husbands and moved her into his room where nobody besides he had the pleasure of being. The garden was thriving, there were no potential threats to the sanctuary; everything was finally the way it should've been.

She had been working night and day in the garden, making sure it flourished before the season ended. She underwent a lot of stress making sure people had what they needed, until one day it all caught up to her.

She collapsed in the garden that morning, but not because she was exhausted. She looked down to see a large amount of blood pooling in her jeans and was quickly carried off to the infirmary where the doctor had informed her that she had a miscarriage.

The pain and loss was enough to kill her. Even though she smiled from time to time, she was never the same after that. She didn't laugh the way she used to, and the loss of hope had finally caught up to her. Of course she blamed herself; saying she should've known and that if she would've known she would've done things differently, things that Negan already knew and that she didn't need to tell him. He knew she would've been a great mother.

The first time Negan told his wife he loved her, their futures changed.

She needed to hear him say it. Needed to hear the same response when she uttered it to him instead of an 'I know you do, doll.' She needed to know that he wanted a child with her because he loved her, not just because she could give him one. She didn't ask for much.

A frustrated 'I love you,' emitted from his lips. He shouldn't have to say it, he told himself. He shouldn't have to say it because she should know that he does. She should know he'd fight tooth and nail to keep her out of harm and no matter how many times he said the words could ever triumph his actions to prove it. Because no matter how many times he tallied up the words, it would never be enough. It wouldn't compare to what he felt for her.

Negan wasn't the boyfriend type. He wasn't the type to say 'I love you.' Those things made people weak, and he couldn't afford to be weak in this world. But what made him weak, made her strong.

The first time Negan held his newborn son in his arms, he was overjoyed with a sense of pride.

Their son looked just like him. Black tufts of hair, dark eyes that looked hazel in the right lighting. He was a mini Negan through and through, except for his little button nose. That was all hers.

The weeks passed and they had managed to get the parenting thing down pat ... for the most part. Negan worked a lot since having a baby wasn't an excuse to stop looking after the sanctuary, so he looked after their son when he could.

She, however, appointed a new leader of the garden and became a full time mom. It was her greatest achievement. All the loss, all the pain before this, it made sense now. She lost her entire family; father, step-brother, sisters and even a baby she didn't know about, but their son, the child they brought into this world made the world a little brighter.

The first time Negan got shot could've very well been the last time.

She watched him die, she thought. She watched his body drop to the ground in a lifeless heap. Her screams and pleas were no match for the bullets and she feared for the worst when the doctor told her that he might be in a comatose state indefinitely.

The doctor told her of the side effects that could come with his suffrage, but she didn't think it would happen to him. It couldn't. Negan was a warrior, he was gallant, and strong, and everything that pointed to the contrary of having any difficulties pulling through this.

The first time Negan saw his son wasn't the first time.

He hadn't remembered anything. Nothing that happened in the last nine months anyway. He looked at the whining child with confusion and aggravation. His head hurt, he was irritated, and he was trying so hard to remember for her.

'He has your nose.' He recalled saying. He knew her, he knew who she was, but he had forgotten the love they shared.

The stories she told him sounded like fairytales. He would never love another woman. He wouldn't have a child, he wouldn't do any of the things for her that she told him about, but he did. He just couldn't remember. And it tore her apart.

The first time Negan heard her say she loved him, he didn't say it back.

It wasn't the first time, though. The first time happened over a year ago on the way home from Alexandria. Home. That's what this place was to her. It wasn't just a roof and four walls. It was a place where she had fallen in love even though it pointed to every sign of failing and crumbling underneath her. It was a place she had brought a baby into the world of destruction and death with the man she loved. The sanctuary was home, but if he couldn't remember, maybe it was just a roof and four walls.

They didn't laugh as much as they used to. Instead, their conversations were filled with her trying so desperately to get him to remember, and him getting overly frustrated when he couldn't. They bickered, they became distant, they became strangers.

The first thing that became familiar to Negan again was her touch.

He just finished putting their son to bed and was headed there himself until she captured his lips with her own. It was a desperate cry of hope. Hope that he wouldn't push her away. Hope that he would kiss her back. Hope that he would remember her just by her lips. Hope.

He did kiss her back. In fact, things went further than that. A lot further. He wasn't taking advantage of her, she was giving herself to him the way she always did. Surrendering herself to his touch, she was his, every last ounce of her being.

Clothes were tugged off, marks were left on skin, and moans engulfed the air as he held her body against the wall, plunging into her the way he always did to rile her up. Her body clung to his so desperately, and nothing else mattered in that moment. Not his memory loss, not her agitation of him not remembering, just the way their bodies worked together to reach the same goal.

Their releases mixed together and their bodies untangled from one another, but he held her body up when her knees began to buckle. She didn't know what this meant for them, and honestly she didn't care. All that mattered was that even though Negan didn't remember much, he remembered the way her body reacted to his. He remembered where she loved being marked by him, and he remembered that he hated cuddling, but he pulled her into bed and wrapped his arms around her anyway.

The first time Negan found out, he swore the world spun faster.

Weeks had passed and Negan seemed to be getting a litttle better, but he still wasn't his old self. She stopped pushing him to remember and figured it was doing more harm than good. She didn't want to force him, she didn't want to tell him that in search of his memory, she was losing herself. She was losing the memories along with him.

She found out she was pregnant. Again. She didn't want to tell him. She didn't know how. She didn't know how to break the news to a man who might not remember her name the next morning when he woke up. She kept it to herself for a while, but knew that at some point he would notice that she was getting bigger. But for now, nobody knew besides her and the doctor in the infirmary.

She didn't mean for him to find out this way. She didn't plan on being held at gunpoint for a threat she made when he was shot. She didn't mean to blurt it out in a fit of panic and tears. She didn't mean for this.

The look he gave her, the utter disbelief that plagued his face, that was worse than any loss or pain she had ever felt. She didn't know how to tell him. She didn't want him to worry. In that moment, she wished she could forget everything. She didn't mean for this.

The first time Negan cried, he was staring in the eyes of the woman he loved.

He might not have remembered all of the details. He might not have remembered the way her lashes fluttered when she was tired or the way her smile lit up the darkest situation, or the songs she sang to their son, but he could feel that he loved her just like she had been telling him he did.

She wished she would've asked him what made him love her all those months ago. She wished she knew. She wanted to know what made her so special that a man as cold hearted as Negan was crying in front of her. They weren't crocodile tears, but they also weren't streams flowing down his face. They were tears of vulnerability and utter satisfaction and gratitude. She was having his baby, and he loved her. That much he knew.

The first time Negan fell in love, it wasn't with greed, or power, or with his wife.

He fell in love with the way her eyes glimmered like her mother's. He fell in love with the way her tiny hand wrapped around his finger. He fell in love with the coos she made as she settled into his arm. She was his and he was hers. Mind, body and soul.

He fell in love with the thought of watching her grow up to be like her mother. He fell in love with the thought of teaching her how to count and teach her to learn her ABC's. He fell in love with her beautiful green eyes and soft brown hair.

The first time Negan fell in love, he was holding his newborn baby girl.


End file.
